Cupcakes on a Monday

2008-04-01T17:52:00.000-07:00

feeling small right now. it's weird how this happens because it always coincides with times when i feel too big physically, as if the state of my muscles being soft is directly connected to my mind growing slight and boring.

i could use a vacation involving trees and a canoe.

My hands smell like roses. Really.

2008-02-06T19:41:00.000-08:00

This morning we went to the Santa Monica farmer's market, as we do every Wednesday morning. If there are good looking flowers there (and many weeks, annoyingly, there aren't) I usually will buy some for the apartment. Today I got a big bundle of very pale pink spray roses that smell delicious. The flower lady wrapped them in brown kraft paper. Then we stopped by the newsstand after we finished buying all our vegetables, which is another part of the weekly ritual (and not G.'s favorite part - in fact, his LEAST favorite part). And lo, there were three shiny, glossy new magazines for me to buy.

So off we went back to the car with me carrying pretty pink magazines in one hand (the new Vanity Fair cover is gorgeous) and pretty pink roses in the other. G. looked at me and said "And now we get to go get a fountain Diet Coke from McDonalds!" And that was when I exploded with happiness all over the sidewalk.

2008-02-03T21:46:00.000-08:00

In thinking more and more about hopefully having a baby in the not too distant future, I realize that I have an underlying fear of never again feeling girlish after I become a mother. On one hand, there is nothing I want to do more. But on the other hand (Hmmm... which hand is it that holds all the bad stuff? And shouldn't the phrase "heavy handed" be about that hand?), I am terrified of it immediately rendering me old and marmish (probably not a word, but so what).

I find myself literally having dreams about high school (which were generally nightmarish years) and I think those are based in some desire to feel like I'm not so far from that place. But - sheesh - I *am* so far from that place.

Anew

2008-01-15T15:51:00.000-08:00

Wow. It's been nearly a year since my last post. In that time, I've only felt pulled towards a post once or twice, and never got around to it. But I've been missing it lately and am just now starting to feel like I might have stuff to write about again.

We'll see.

Is anybody out there?

2007-02-04T23:45:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in so long that I wouldn't blame my handful of readers if they don't stop by anymore, but just in case, I wanted to make a note that I'm posting more often these days over on the new studio blog for my company.

See it here.

(Site address updated on February 15th!)

why you gotta be so noisy?

2006-11-10T16:12:00.000-08:00

On To The Next

2006-10-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

So that was my honeymoon. Not too shabby, huh?

Some big changes around here the last few weeks -- Things I thought would give me much more time to blog, but this is my first chance. I've been busy working on editing photos and baking with this pretty machine.

At the end of last month, I left my office job to devote myself full time to our photography business. I don't have words, truly, for what a big deal this has been for me. I told G. the other night that being able to work from home doing something I love feels the same way to me that I felt when we first started dating -- like I was finally where I was supposed to be.

Naturally, there's a somewhat scary downside to this developement in that it puts considerable financial strain on G. and I. But it's so, so worth it (so far). It's already improved my life, and it hasn't even been a month. I hope we can pull it off.

Fly Me To The Moon, Part Four: Paris

2006-10-12T16:53:00.000-07:00

I was wild about Paris.

The morning we arrived, bleary eyed from traveling overnight from Venice, we rode in a cab through the still quiet streets of the city to our hotel. At one point Gym nudged me and pointed out the window. There, oh so tiny, peeking through a gap in the skyline, was the top of the Eiffel tower. I cried.

Paris is a city I plan to go to again and again. It was different in some ways than I expected (Bigger! More modern!) but still somehow exactly as I'd hoped it would be.

Certain places can make your heart pound in a way that feels just like love. This was one of those places for me.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sweetmondaygirl/sets/72157594315843822/

Fly Me To The 'Moon, Part Three: Venezia

2006-09-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

So many amazing things about Venice:

The little bar run by two women near our hotel that we found within an hour of arriving and went back to a few times because they had the best panini and the friendliest smiles (which is saying something as most everyone we met in Venice was nice).

The Californian couple we met while getting gelato on our last evening who were celebrating their 53rd anniversary. They had more energy than we did!

Eating at a restaurant right on the Grand Canal. Spectacular location and one of our cheapest meals on the trip. Can't beat that.

Napping in the afternoons because it was so! So! SO! Hot! Out! Side!

Getting lost. Truly. Several times.

Buying a painting from an artist in St. Marks square that I am absolutely in love with. I get butterflies in my stomach when I look at it. It's hanging over my dresser in our bedroom now.

That being there feels like a fairy tale because only in a story would an entire city be built on water.

Photos:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sweetmondaygirl/sets/72157594302024498/

Fly Me To The 'Moon, Part Two: Firenze

2006-09-06T08:27:00.000-07:00

Amazing things about Florence:

Our hotel. I could write pages singing its praises. But I'll stick with saying that there was breakfast in bed every morning, champagne when we arrived, and a welcome package with spaghetti and sauce!

Walking through the quiet backstreets and stumbling upon a wonderful little art shop selling beautiful dainty etchings that were being made as we browsed around. We bought two.

The food. Oh goodness, the food.

The fact that I was a little in awe of the place, and therefore didn't take all that many photos. Most of the time, I wanted to see it with my eyes rather than the lens.

To see a few Florence photos:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sweetmondaygirl/sets/72157594271986422/

Fly Me To The 'Moon, Part One: Roma

2006-08-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

Wonderful things about Rome:

The narrow cobblestone streets

Gelato!

Granita!

The businessmen in suits on scooters

Eating in restaurants where there are no other tourists

Learning a handful of words in Italian and actually using them

The quiet, sprawling green park above the Piazza del Popolo

To see a few of my photos from Rome:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sweetmondaygirl/sets/72157594259940517/

Just for the record:

2006-08-24T14:47:00.000-07:00

Hunt's does not count as ketchup.

2006-08-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

Toasting an onion bagel in the workplace has got to be near the height of rudeness.

2006-08-07T09:28:00.000-07:00

my writerly self is buried beneath so many things right now. house stuff, day job, photo work.

every once in a while, a good sentence will pop into my head, but when it does it's like seeing an old friend across a busy street. the traffic is too full and fast to even try to wave.

one soft small lesson to learn

2006-07-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

When I moved into my last apartment, G. and I had just started dating. For the first time in the history of my moving life, I let the boxes sit unopened for weeks. I couldn't be bothered with my customary rush to get everything situated as quickly as possible, so busy was I with the task of falling in L.U.V. It was months before that place was completely assembled, and those months were some of the best I've ever had.

I didn't learn my lesson from it though. Since we've moved in to this new place, my almost desperate instinct has been to UNPACKRIGHTAWAYORELSE, despite my outward insistence that I am going to take time to set our home up properly, even if it takes a while. I've lost sleep the past few weeks over the state of the office and living room. I've had small waves of panic while thinking about the inside of our kitchen cupboards.

But I've been forced, in spite of myself, to take this homemaking process slowly. I haven't been able to rush it, haven't even had time to shove things into closets so that the place looks shiny on the outside. And yet, somehow, slowly...

Just now, sitting on the couch with G., talking about what to order from the Thai restaurant down the street, looking over his shoulder into the dining room at the evening sun streaming through the window on our two plants in their brightly colored pots, at the green glass knobs I bought to replace the old ones on the dark wood cabinet, at our stark white wedding china mixed with my red latte bowls, I realized the pace is perfect.

2006-07-24T09:23:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time believing it's been over a month since the wedding. In ways it feels like it's been that long and then some, and in other ways I feel like it was a (really good!) dream and the real thing is still lingering in the future.

I thought for sure I'd have had time to write about all of it by now, and I'm a little sad that I haven't. I keep thinking one of these days I'll get around to looking at our honeymoon photos or finishing up the journal we wrote while in Europe. In the journal, we are suspended in our first full day in Paris. Not such a bad place to be stuck...

I'm still hopeful that I'll be able to get some of my thoughts down here at some point because I love reading other people's wedding stories and would like to contribute my own. But for now, it's back to working on photos for clients, trying to get started on thank you notes (yikes!) and unpacking our still cluttered apartment. Please forgive my temporarily horrid blogging habits, with the promise that there will be better things to read soon...

Newlywed Bliss in Full Effect

2006-07-05T12:36:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! We're back and we're married! And all the stuff people say about their weddings is true. It really was the best day our our lives. We're still on a high from it.

I can't wait to write the details of the day (too jet lagged right now!) and share honeymoon photos (no hard drive space on the computer yet!).

But for now, I wanted to take a second to thank everyone who left or sent a sweet comment around the wedding day. They all made me smile!

For anyone who'd like a sneak peek of our wedding photos, check our our photographer's blog. We are so, so happy that we hired Jessica to photograph the wedding. She and Nathan did an amazing job. And, seeing Jessica work made me excited to get back out and shoot another wedding myself this weekend!

http://homepage.mac.com/jessicajphoto/iblog
/B1406720197/index.html

You'll have to scroll down a bit since she's had other weddings since ours. Once you get to us (Lindsey & Gym, for those few of you who may not know our actual names), be sure to click on the slideshow.

More soon.

One Week

2006-06-10T22:28:00.000-07:00

I'm off to get married!

(If we can do it as well as these guys did, then I'll consider it a perfect day.)

8 Days: Oh, the sappiness begins!

2006-06-09T10:46:00.000-07:00

I don't have my ring on today (it's at the jeweler's getting a special polish), and I keep catching a glimpse of my bare fingers and panicking. It's strange how in just a matter of months that ring has become part of my hand. Today is the first day I haven't worn it since G. proposed, and it will probably be the last day in a very long time that I won't be wearing either it or my wedding ring. I feel like I'm just now starting to understand the full significance of wedding rings, of why when H. lost his, he and A. combed an entire soccer field until they found it. It's not just that wearing a ring says "I'm taken," it's that it says "We're joined."

10 Days: Glutton

2006-06-07T08:29:00.000-07:00

I wish someone could make me stop looking at the weather forecast for next week. It's getting worse and worse, and I keep looking and looking. I know (I KNOW, PEOPLE!) that even if it rains the wedding will be a success in the sense that G. and I will be married when it's over, but I've spent months and months planning this thing based on a rain-free day. In the past week alone I've spent no less than ten hours assembling placecards that will look utterly ridiculous if it's too rainy to hang them on a clothesline as planned. Not to mention my darling lemonade table that won't be anywhere near as charming if it's stuck inside the barn. These details mean a lot to me. And don't even get me started on the fact that I know from first hand experience how difficult it is for a photographer to get good photos at a ceremony under a dark ol' tent.

I'm freaking out here, kids.

12 Days: Other Honeymooners

2006-06-05T12:41:00.000-07:00

When my grandparents were newlyweds, and only 19 years old, their house burnt to the ground. They lost everything, including their wedding and honeymoon photos. Several years ago, another couple who they spent part of their honeymoon with gave them some film negatives from that trip. The type of film used is no longer readily processed, so my grandma was unable to do anything with the negative. Recently she passed them along to me, and I've been working on getting prints made. The negs are in pretty bad shape, but I'm totally smitten by the photos nonetheless. Time has worn down the celluloid and given the images a surreal, romantic quality. Some of them give me chills. My grandparents look young but confident, and in the photographs I can see little fragments of the rest of their lives already etched on their faces.

15 Days: Home Stretch

2006-06-02T14:47:00.000-07:00

For some reason, every time I've ever been anticipating something exciting, I always thought that if I could make it to the two week mark, I could survive the rest of the wait. Tomorrow is the two week mark!

P.S. If you want to read about someone's deepest prayer and biggest dream coming true, click on the Superhero Journal link on the side of my blog. It made my day today.

16 Days: Dreaming of Venice

2006-06-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

One thing I've found sort of funny about this whole wedding thing is that it involves months and months devoted to the careful arrangement of one day, while the honeymoon, at least in our case, goes largely unplanned. G. and I are going on what is truly my dream honeymoon, a trip to places I've wanted to visit my whole life (Rome! Florence! Venice! PARIS!),and I've probably spent a total of two hours thinking about this trip. We're wildly underprepared to spend two weeks in countries where we don't speak the languages beyond G.'s spotty French from a class he took last year, and my thin grasp on the first two lessons of an Italian language CD I've been listening to in my car every few days.

I love this. I can't wait to stumble around these cities with my husband G., and be sappy newlyweds together.

(I also can't wait to have some photos to post that aren't of weddings!)

17 Days

2006-05-31T12:31:00.000-07:00

I've got such tunnel vision right now. I would say 90% of the thoughts going through my brain are related to wedding tasks. My eyes are glued to my to-do list.

This does not make for good blogging.

18 days: dumbest thing i've done in a while.

2006-05-30T12:34:00.000-07:00

walmartparkinglot2

just checked the long range forecast for traverse city. not smart. looks like it's going to be a rainy june. i've got a huge pit in my stomach now. will be hugely sad if it rains on the wedding day. strange, since rain is one of my favorite things. but i don't want to get married under a tent, and i don't want to miss out on the photo opportunities that i've sort of built our wedding around.

bugger.

23 Days

2006-05-25T14:04:00.000-07:00

This isn't wedding related at all, but something I've been thinking about today is the realization that I've recently gotten over certain things about myself that I've been hung up on for years, namely that I have enormous feet, and am very pale. I guess you could say that I've finally reached a point of self acceptance where these things are concerned, except it's much less warm and fuzzy than that. I've just stopped caring. Today I'm wearing a skirt that comes to my knees and a pair of bright green shoes. This outfit showcases both the shocking whiteness of my legs and the bony monstrosity of my feet (also splendidly pale) in a way that would have been absolutely terrifying to my fourteen year old self. But now it gives me no pause.

I see that my little sisters are rushing quickly (if they aren't already there) toward the age where certain things they don't like about the way they look will cause them trauma, and I wish I could tell them not to worry, that one day they will, seemingly out of nowhere, not be bothered by those things anymore.

I'm curious: What stuff have you gotten over about yourself?

24 Days

2006-05-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

We've shot quite a few weddings now for friends of friends, but this weekend will be the first one for actual, no degrees of separation friends. They hired A. & I when they first got engaged, when we'd only shot one or two other weddings. I'm always so honored when someone chooses us as their photographer, even more so now that I've planned by own wedding. I know not everyone cares as much about photography as I do, but I do think that everyone cares about their wedding as much as I care about mine, and it makes me really happy to get to record that day for people, to capture an important part of their history.

I wish I had the brain power to write about this (or anything!) more eloquently right now, but my mind has already switched over to photographer mode, an entirely different kind of poetry.

25 Days: Bridesmaids Bite The Dust

2006-05-23T10:54:00.000-07:00

I had two of my seven bridesmaids drop out of the wedding last night. I saw both coming. The first one I knew may happen because she'd been kind enough to give me the heads up months ago that her new, exciting, top secret job might be calling her away for training sometime around the beginning of June, and they have. The other I knew about in the same way you know a guy you've just started dating isn't really interested -- vague, non-committal, distant behaviour. Except she's not a guy I just started dating, she's a friend of over a dozen years, so I'm sort of... irked.

It's interesting to me how weddings tend to bring certain things to a head. You'd think planning a wedding would really only have an effect on the couple getting married. But this whole experience has given me far greater insight into the people in my life than it has englightened me about myself. I already knew I was a stress case.

Count Down

2006-05-22T11:01:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm entering the final stages of my own wedding planning, I thought it would be fun to try to post something every day, at least until June 11th when G. and I leave for Michigan. I realize this stuff may truly only be interesting to me, but I'm okay with that. In July I will turn into an interesting person again. I hope.

The last couple of nights have been the first where I truly couldn't sleep because of all the wedding related discussions the voices in my head were having. Must they be so chatty? I may need to start hitting myself over the head every night so I can get some rest.

I had my final dress fitting the other day. The seamstress couldn't get it zipped. Not even close. Not to be immodest, but I was proud of myself for not crying or screaming. Instead, April and I went to McDonalds while she let it out a bit. As I sat eating a cheeseburger, I swore to April that I hadn't gained any weight since the last fitting (which is actually true!). Mmmm... cheeseburgers. Won't be having any more of those, though, between now and June 17th, as even after having been let out, the dress is still a very snug fit. There will also be no lifting my arms above my head on the day wedding day, lest the dress should suddenly become terribly indecent.

Lemon with Vanilla Frosting

2006-05-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

To the person who found this blog by googling "cupcakes with feelings," I welcome you.

Like London

2006-05-10T14:37:00.002-07:00

I'm a little foggy in the brain this week.

There's a baggy with a hamburger bun in it on my desk, a discarded element of my lunch. Every time I catch a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye, a small part of my brain yells "SUGAR COOKIE!" and my heart leaps with joy, even though the rest of my brain knows that it's actually just a bland, squishy hunk of white bread.

This has happened no fewer than six times this afternoon.

Gary Mode

2006-05-02T14:01:00.000-07:00

Back when G. and I worked at the same company, I would often get my feelings hurt when he had his work face on around me. We called his work face "Gary Mode." (Apologies to the Garys of the world, but I just don't dig that name.) I knew it was necessary at times, but I still got overly sensitive about him not acting like MY G. from the hours of 8 to 8.

Right now, I myself am constantly in Gary Mode, constantly just the slightest bit chilly and annoyed. I think I'm even in Gary Mode when I sleep because I haven't been having any memorable dreams, as if I can't be bothered to let my mind wander even then. There was a brief snip of time, at dinner on Saturday with G, A & H where I think I snapped out of it for a second, but other than that, I seem to have lost my ability to relax and be normal. This week it hit me that the wedding is suddenly getting CLOSE. But it's not the wedding that's causing my stifled emotions. It's all the other stuff. But I'm fearful of not being able to get into a more relaxed, more "feeling" state of mind before the wedding day actually arrives. I'm worried I'll wake up on June 17th with my to do list running through my head rather than my wedding vows.

I wish I were doing a better job of soaking this up right now. Any suggestions on how to chill the heck out?

Too Busy To Even Have A Song Stuck In My Head

2006-04-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

On certain days, for swift, fleeting moments, I'll get a little cocky about the pace I'm managing to move at right now. The full time day job, the equally full time photography work, the getting the new apartment ready to move into, the planning of the wedding. But the reality is that in all the other many, many moments, I'm not dealing with it all that well. I'm tired, and feel like I'm loosing my mind, and about eighty times a day I think to myself that I can't keep up this pace. I'm not good at being stretched this thin. It leaves me feeling like a child, caught between wanting to stomp my foot on the ground or burst into tears. Recently, on a walk home from the market with G., I did both.

But underneath the layer of exhaustion and annoyance, I'm happy, not depressed, and that's such a wonderous new turn for me that I'm trying to stay focused on that, whenever I can catch a quiet moment to do so.

I have some fabulous women in my life!

2006-04-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

Thank you Girls, especially April, for Saturday night! I had a wonderful time.

And thanks to the gals who were there in spirit as well. You were missed!

(Cake by Mandy, Cake photo by April, Group photo by Hosea)

Weeks Disappearing

2006-04-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

I'm absolutely baffled by how much time has passed since I last posted. Days are going by at warp speed right now. So many things I'm excited to talk about here, but the writing seems to go on mostly in my head and never makes it to paper or screen.

Speaking of which, the past couple weeks, for the first time in months, I've honestly missed writing my book. Since I stopped working on it (temporarily) back in November in order to focus on the wedding and the photography business stuff, the moments when I've thought about it have made me feel more guilt than longing. But the desire is back, a little sprout pushing up through the dirt. I miss my characters and am eager to check in and see what they are up to. Hopefully they don't mind waiting around a couple more months for me to (perhaps somewhat timidly) show my face.

I had a dress fitting yesterday. Dress fittings aren't what they are cracked up to be (at least if your idea of what they are cracked up to be is the same as mine was, which was that they'd make me feel Glamorous and Tended To). Pins got stuck in my arm. And I discovered I have armpit fat that likes to make itself known only when I'm sporting the fanciest thing I've ever owned. And I think I know now why corsets used to make girls "swoon."

Dang thing better look good on the big day, that's all I'm saying.

This photo is of a bride I photographed recently who appeared to actually be able to breathe in her gown. Lucky little thing.

If you build it...

2006-03-21T14:31:00.000-08:00

Last year, April and I set a goal of booking ten weddings for 2006. We recently reached that goal. Doing so didn't come with as much fanfare as I expected (in fact, it was closely followed by our most challenging wedding shoot to date), which I am learning is often the case. Instead of toasting the accomplishment with pretty pink champagne glasses, we clanked together our cups of coffee and diet coke at Denny's on a nasty rainy night, somewhere between here and Arizona. We were both bleary eyed, and still had hours more to drive that night. It still felt great.

A Few Things

2006-03-17T10:07:00.000-08:00

The time has come for me to accept that nothing which can be described as "mini" should be part of my wardrobe. I'm too old, too tall and too pale for it. That won't stop me from occasionally still trying on such mini things, and standing utterly shocked at myself under the harsh spray of dressing room lighting.

I would not call myself a fan of trail mix, but if I am given some, I will eat it with a ferocious love, a love that says "FINALLY, GEEZ, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, TRAIL MIX?" And then hours later promptly go back to forgetting that I like it at all.

Outside of my family, there is no one I know better than April, but I didn't know until a couple of weeks ago that she gets a pain between her pinky and ring finger on one hand when she is nervous. This has been happening to her for years.

2006-03-06T13:41:00.000-08:00

Feeling blue today. One of those Mondays where the grey sky is making me sad, the news stories I've been reading are making me sad (just finished reading something horrible about a woman dying of an embolism while giving birth to her fifth child), work is making me sad.

I sometimes (often) hate whatever it is that makes me overly aware of how scary life is.

I'm longing for a nap underneath my bright red goosedown quilt.

A Tuesday

2006-02-28T13:04:00.000-08:00

In the elevator just now, a fellow passenger smelled like hospital. Interesting how that scent can cause such a pit in my stomach even though I haven't spent much time in hospitals at all.

I bought a new blush today. Pink and shiny, smells of sun tan oil and sand. I rubbed some of it on the back of my hand. It looks like a twelve year old's blush, a little too cheerful for its own good, but I guess in at least that one small way, I'm still like the little girl I was then, eager for pretty, optimistic things.

Though it's sunny now, it was rainy this morning and I wore my pink rain boots to work, and thought maybe it would be a good day.

Just After

2006-02-22T09:30:00.000-08:00

The bride this weekend was somewhat uncomfortable having her photo taken, so I was thrilled to catch this moment when she was happy and a little distracted!

Wedding Season

2006-02-17T10:01:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

Though I sometimes find it hard to believe I could possibly think about flowers, cakes and dresses with any greater frequency than I already do, starting tomorrow my life will revolve around weddings more than ever before. Besides the fact that my own wedding is exactly four months away, A & I will be photographing two weddings a month leading up June 17th.

For the most part, I am thrilled about this. Admittedly, it makes me a bit weary knowing that there will be thousands upon thousands of images of new marital bliss to sort through, all while piecing together the details of my own nuptuals. But this is an exciting time for our little company, and by the time June rolls around, we will have more than doubled our portfolio.

I'm terribly curious to see how it all turns out.

File Under: Corny But True

2006-02-15T09:57:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

It's nice that when you've got a guy who is good every day of the year, Valentine's is just another one of those days.

2006-02-03T17:48:00.000-08:00

I believe that pretty dresses have magical powers.

Fresh

2006-02-01T14:34:00.000-08:00

I've been frustrated lately by how much I lack the time to learn new things. If I made a list of all the stuff I want to be better at, for the sake of creativity and for my business, it would stretch from my dismal office cube across the miles to my house, which is where I would need to be in order for anything real to get done.

I get fearful that this is what being an adult is, and that I'll never have the time again. My old creative writing teacher in college used to say if you don't make time to write right now, you'll never make time. He was right, and I took his advice. But

I've gotten worse at manufacturing time since then.

the quick creep of monday

2006-01-23T12:21:00.000-08:00

i'm sometimes absolutely floored by the fact that my depression can still sneak up on me with such swiftness. these days, when it does, it's fleeting. it stomps around on my shoulders for a short while, and then departs with such a pathetic whimper that i barely notice it's gone until it's been gone a while. that part is expected, known. but for as much as i know how it will leave, it's surprising that its onset can be so, well, surprising.

"what are you doing here?" i almost always have to ask it, startled. and it cackles back at me while it drinks its coffee, a batty, mean old woman, an unexpected guest in the living room of my head. "i live here!" the depression, the old woman, says. and for as long as she stays, we both believe it, she and i.

Stage Four, In which I become a housewife before my time.

2006-01-20T14:52:00.000-08:00

I bought guest towels the other night. You know. For when the In-Laws (his or mine) come to visit. When we're married people.

When I bought them, I got giddy.

New Year

2006-01-11T14:47:00.000-08:00

I haven't been much in favor of resolutions the last couple of years. I think, for the most part, that it's not good to start a new year already feeling guilty and weighed down. But I LOVE thinking about goals for what lies ahead. In some ways, I already know this is going to be a good year. I'm going to photograph a bunch of weddings. I'm going to have a wedding of my own, something that still sometimes shocks me. After that, I'll be married to the coolest guy I know, and together we'll go see two countries I've wanted to see for as long as I can remember. 2006 is going to glow.

But I do have some ways in which I want to push myself. I want to learn to take better photographs, so that I impress myself more often. I want to finish the draft of my novel, which has taken a back seat to wedding planning and wedding shooting. I want to exercise more, not just so I'll have Bride Arms (although, I gotta have Bride Arms!) but also so I'll know I'm being as healthy as I can be going into this next part of my life. I want to cook more complicated recipes. I want to learn to bake a cake from scratch. And French, I want to learn some French. I want to find a way to make this blog meaningful to myself again, or drop it altogether. I want to write letters to my little sisters more often. I want to be a better friend and a better cat mom. I want to find the perfect umbrella for the wedding, in case it rains.

I'm so excited for each of these things that I feel lucky to even get to try them.

How will you push yourself this year?

Hidden Treasure

2005-12-29T14:31:00.000-08:00

When G. and I were in Traverse City right after we got engaged, my mom and I went to an antique shop in an old barn. There were several boxes of old records, I and grabbed several of them, choosing mostly based on cover art. We'd already discussed going to France for part of our honeymoon, and since I am a bit in love with French culture, one album called I Love Paris caught my eye. I brought it home, and in the frenzy of the last couple of months, neglected to listen to it even once.

Last night I put it on for the first time, and I don't think I've ever been as immediately charmed by any music. It was just exactly what I think the soundtrack for strolling through Paris should be. Even as I was scrubbing the bathtub and changing the cat litter, I could almost feel myself sitting at an outdoor cafe, watching chic Parisians wander by.

Merry Christmas

2005-12-20T09:42:00.000-08:00

I'm leaving for Kansas City tomorrow, and wanted to wish everyone a safe and happy Christmas before I go.

I'm going to make a genuine attempt to post more often, or at least more meaningfully, in the new year.

See you all then.

Sit Ups

2005-12-08T10:37:00.001-08:00

I haven't been doing much writing the last couple months. Not for my novel, not for this blog. I don't, right now, miss it as much as I wish I did. I've been too busy to miss it, my mind too full of other things. But I think that even if I'm not particularly craving it, I need to do it. It's much like exercising, in a way. I never want to exercise. I do it simply because my brain needs me to do it. My brain also needs me to write. When I don't do one of these things, I can feel the heaviness of its void pushing down on my shoulders like lead.

The Doing

2005-12-02T18:30:00.000-08:00

You'd think it would go without saying, but I'm surprised by how often I need to remind myself that there is real power and joy to be found in actually doing something rather than thinking about doing it or worrying about doing it.

Craving Cider

2005-11-29T12:55:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

Quiet

2005-11-15T10:45:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling sort of quiet lately. I guess you can probably tell around here.

Trying to create a successful business is one of the more challenging things I've ever done. It has a lot of highs and lows, and I'm not a very good wave rider. Yesterday looked as though it was shaping up to be a great day -- we had three inquiries from brides with weddings next summer. Even though we're already booked for one of the dates inquired about, I was excited to have the flow coming in, and let myself daydream about how 2006 may be completely full of weddings. Then later in the night came a rejection from the one we felt closest to getting, and it sent me plunging down a bit. There's always somewhat of a sting that April and I feel when we don't get a job we think we're going to get. Our business is also our art, and even though the photos are of other people's weddings, they mean something personal to us.

I know things will work out, and that no matter what, 2006 will be full of weddings. We have a good deal of them already booked to photograph, and with both my wedding and my soon-to-be-sister-in-law's wedding... there will be plenty of cake photos to go around.

But quiet, for now.

Stage Three, The Dress (Part One)

2005-10-31T14:25:00.000-08:00

I will admit that I harbored a secret fear that I might be the one girl in all the world who doesn't really look good in wedding gowns. I don't know why I thought this might be, but it probably had something to do with the fact that I am so pale I practically glow, and thus white is simply not my color. However, after having finished my third successful dress hunting expedition with April this weekend, it turns out that my problem is not going to be having to pick which dress offends me the least, but rather which dress I love most. Because right now I love three, and deeply like a fourth, and I still have two more outtings planned during which it is completely possible that I may fall in love yet again.

I've been told that I should picture myself on That Day and go with what dress I can best imagine myself in. All well and good, except I can picture them all, and each one, at the moment I'm thinking of it, seems like the perfect choice.

I feel heartbroken when I think about having to dump any of them. Last night I had a dream that I went to try on the front runner for a second time, and found that it was no longer a dress, but rather a shiny white pantsuit (think Celine Dion). Once I got over being mortified, I was deeply relieved to have a good excuse to cut one choice away.

Firsts and Lasts

2005-10-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

Today is April's last day at the company she's been with since we moved to Los Angeles over five years ago. She's leaving so that she has more time to focus on Sweet Monday. I'm really excited about the strides we've both taken to make the dream of our business begin to come true.

(To the five of you who read this, I promise to write a real post soon. Head still in clouds.)

Comfort Food

2005-10-25T15:16:00.000-07:00

Made cheesy vegetable soup for dinner last night, letting it simmer just long enough to make it thick and creamy. I wish I'd had some of mom's cornbread to go with it.

New

2005-10-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

For anyone interested in pictures from our latest wedding, you may see them by clicking in the title of this post.

Stage Two, Where I try to do something besides think about the wedding

2005-10-17T18:50:00.000-07:00

Sat down tonight to write for the first time in three weeks. I thought I'd follow behind my dad and aunt and post what I'm working on right now. A little rusty, but:

In the final days before her divorce, Moira spent most of her time watching her new television. It was the fanciest set offered, ordered from a Sears catalog, and delivered by a man to whom she lied and said that her husband was away on business. It was black and white, and later when she would think back on this time, it would seem that her whole life then had existed in the static of gray. She was depressed, although she hadn't really noticed.

The television, which she called the Tee Vee, pronouncing each syllable with such deliberate force that unbeknownst to her it sounded almost ridiculous, was just one symptom. She'd never watched it before, had never even had an interest, and suddenly her days revolved around Lucy and Gidget, women who would have dulled her under previous circumstances.

In the mornings she got up and put on a pair of denim slacks. She knew they were really only acceptable to wear if she planned to spend time in the garden, and so most days as she put them on, she thought to herself that she would do just that, but then never did. Instead, she made herself eggs, two, scrambled, which she bought from the market down the street that received them fresh every morning at 8:45. The eggs and a piece of toast, just black enough to fill the kitchen with the smell of something burning. She'd take the plate into the living room, and rest it carefully on her knees, eating as delicately as she could while taking in the first of her programs for the day. Sometimes the smell of the burnt toast would remain in the kitchen until the afternoon. It comforted her in some way, as if it made the house more full and lived in than her body alone could manage.

In the end it was Moira who had wanted the divorce. Luke, for all his many flaws, was a man of honor who had not wanted Moira to feel the shame divorced women were subjected to.
“We can go on like this,” he’d said.
But she’d heard something different, and so in return she’d said he was right. ”We can’t. We can’t do this anymore.”
It was months before he corrected her.

Stage One, In Which I Obsess Over A Barn and Someone To Take Pictures of Us in Fancy Clothes

2005-10-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

With the exception of the first couple of blissful days, my eyelids have been doing that weird twitchy thing nearly nonstop for the two weeks I've been engaged. It appears even my eyelids are stressed out by Week One of wedding planning.

Every married friend or relative who has congratulated G. and I has dispensed the same piece of advice: Enjoy this time. On an emotional level, I am. I love the happiness I feel knowing I get to marry the guy who surprised me with breakfast at work this morning out of the blue (and with extra McDonald's monopoly pieces!). I don't love the feeling that if we don't act fast (like, five hours ago fast) we might lose our Perfect Location or our Perfect Photographer.

I will take everyone's advice. Yes, I will. I will enjoy this time. After those things have been done.

Good Things Come...

2005-10-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

In the quiet corner of a restaurant, surrounded by memories sewn together long ago, before we knew the fabric they would create(though didn't we, always, in a way?).

In the nervous hush right before the first strums of a guitar, played while on one knee, with words full and pure.

In the weight and shine of a ring on a finger.

In new promises made and old promises kept.

I'm getting married.

The Novelist Thing

2005-09-23T14:42:00.000-07:00

There have been many times during the writing of this book when I have thought that my worst fear about my writer self may turn out to be true. I may not be cracked up to be a novelist.

As I've mentioned before, my book has many short stories woven in with the primary story. Not just subplots (in fact, not subplots at all) but complete, chapter length stories. These stories are the only kind of fiction I'd ever written up until I started the book, and it was always been my deep dark worry that I couldn't write something longer than fifteen or twenty pages. As I've been trudging through the middle of this book, where each page has required grand effort, I've heard a little voice telling me that there's a reason why it's not coming easily. The voice speaks a little louder whenever it's time to start one of the new short stories within the story. The voice screams: "Look how happy you are to be starting this next little diversion! Look how fun this is!" And I have to admit that the voice is right. It DOES make me happy to write those little bits. It IS fun. And maybe that means I can't do the bigger story, and I'm not ever going to be a novel writer.

Or maybe it just means that writing a novel is harder for me than writing short stories, which I've been doing since I was seven. Imagine that.

A & I have another wedding tomorrow. Photos to come next week.

Autumn, here.

2005-09-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

Autumn here is like spring.
Easter colored things grow.
Rainboots arrive on store shelves and are swiftly scooped up.
The air smells of warm earth, about to burst.
There's a chill, but it feels less like the end of something and more like the beginning.

This Day

2005-09-15T15:15:00.000-07:00

Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

The man whose office is next to my cubicle often speaks a different language, but I don't know which one.

I wish that oranges were able to be eaten as delicately and easily as apples.

I've been alone a lot this week, and was supposed to accomplish many things, things like writing twenty pages and making something with the Gocco and picking out recipes for the next month from my sadly underused cookbooks.

Instead I accomplished very little. I'd like to say that I spent my (not accomplishing stuff) time frolicking joyfully and relaxing fully and giving myself pore cleansing facials so I would feel pretty and girly.

But no. I slept.

The Bright Forever

2005-09-08T10:49:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a good book right now (similar in theme to THE LOVELY BONES, for those of you who have read it) which is reminding me of some clever ways to build tension in a story. This is going to be absolutely critical in my novel, and I'm still figuring out how best to do it. I love that feeling I get when I'm reading something and the pieces slowly start to come together and I find that I have goosebumps.

When I finally have someone read this draft or the next, probably a year from now, the first thing I'll be asking when they're finished is if there were any goosebump moments.

Beyond Quantity

2005-09-06T10:36:00.000-07:00

In telling myself that in this first draft of the book, I need only get the story down, get the pages out, DO IT, I believe I've let myself slack a bit where quality of writing is concerned. The past few weeks in particular, I've noticed that as long as I write a page each day, I think I've done my job. Nevermind if it's not a page I'd be willing to let my six year old sister read, let alone the world at large.

Some small part of this is necessary. If I were to write the way I always have up until I began this novel, it would literally take me years and years to get it all down, and most likely it would simply never happen at all. I'm usually incredibly picky about every word I write, the result of equal parts perfectionism and the deeply rooted desire to not have to do a second draft. Ever. With this book, I knew from the get go that I would be writing a second draft, which was terrifying at first, then quite freeing, and now downright dangerous.

I had dreams this weekend, both while sleeping and while awake, of writing lovely, meaningful passages for this story. The goal this week is to focus on making that a reality again.

Smoke Meat

2005-09-01T12:27:00.000-07:00

If you're not already, you should be reading the story my dad is writing online. There's a lot of catching up to do for new readers, but it's well worth it. The latest chapter puts me at a loss for words.

http://www.smokemeat.blogspot.com

2005-08-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

In California, it's not really possible, except perhaps in December or January, to decide on a Monday that you'd like to go camping the following weekend and have anything successful result. The campgrounds (and there don't seem to be as many as one would think there'd be in a state with so much wilderness) fill up very quickly, months upon months in advance.

Today I'm aching for a far out of doors get away, for the calm that only that kind of thing can bring, and I wish I could make that happen this weekend. If only I had known in February that I'd be feeling blue this last week of August, maybe I could.

And Improved

2005-08-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

A. and I have updated the photography site to include our latest wedding (you've seen a couple of the pictures in previous posts here). I'm really proud of how this one went, and excited to see what kind of response we get from potential clients who visit the site. Click on the title of this post if you'd like to take a look.

One thing that surprised me a little about the photographs from this wedding was realizing how much I still like film better than digital. My new digital camera, as dear as it is to me and as much as it has expanded my photographic horizons, still can't compare to the truly lovely quality that film produces.

Hooray!

2005-08-18T11:05:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to my cousin J. on her new job.
She's going to be an amazing teacher.
Those are some lucky fifth graders.

Out Of Place

2005-08-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

On Monday night as I parked my car on the street behind my building, I noticed a large but young looking bird land on top of another car. Though I haven't seen a hawk in several years, I used to see them all the time when I was in college in Kansas. I was pretty sure, getting out of my car and walking slowly toward the bird, that I was looking at a baby hawk. It had the hooked beak of a hawk, the yellow legs (feathery at the top) of a hawk, and the squared tail feathers of a hawk. Most key, it had the same distinguished, determined face of other hawks I've seen.

At first I wished I had my camera, as is my first instinct whenever I see something out of the ordinary that affects me. But sometimes its better to just take in the moment as it is, and rely on your own eyes and memory to do the job. I followed him around as he flew from car to car and finally into a tree. I was so in awe of him that I wanted to see where he would go next, but was careful to keep my distance in case he was scared. He seemed so out of place in my neighborhood, among the pigeons and crows who hover on the wires, and I wondered if he felt as lost as he looked.

I hope not. I hope he knew where he was going, and that he's there now.

The good life has sprinkles on top.

2005-08-16T08:27:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday, handsome.

2005-08-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

happy birthday
Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

Dashing

2005-08-11T15:13:00.000-07:00

There's something so stirring about looking at old family photos. This one is of my grandpa and his cousin, probably from sometime in the 1940s. In it he looks so much like my cousin Bronson who died a few years ago. When I see this picture, it comforts me and makes me smile, and for a moment it allows me to imagine Bronson growing into a handsome old man just like my grandpa has.

Second Act

2005-08-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

Last week I didn't write a single word of the book. I don't know if it was finally reaching page one hundred that made me feel I deserved some sort of break, or if I was just too wrapped up in prepping for the wedding. I alternated both of these excuses in my mind all week.

Today I'm starting back in and realizing that the truth of it is that I'm just in a really difficult part of the story. I hate writing middles. I think I'm pretty good at beginnings and endings, but there's something so intimidating and complicated about writing the bulk of the story, the gut of it, that I'm nearly paralyzed by it. I wish I could rush on to page two hundredandwhatever and be done with the draft.

I tend to be this way about most things in my life. I'm always uncomfortable with the inbetween. I like to be going somewhere, or to have just arrived. The rest I'm often baffled by and anxious about. The only upside to this is that usually my unrest causes me to (eventually, often much later than I should) take action.

So on to one hundred and one.

2005-08-08T12:59:00.000-07:00

It's always shocking to me, whether I'm there as a guest or as the photographer, how fast weddings go by. So much build up for a day that passes so amazingly quickly. I asked April if she had regrets about anything on her wedding day, and her only one was that she wished they'd had more time to just soak it up and enjoy it as it was happening. I'm sure most couples feel the same way. I hope when I get married someday, I'm able to remember to breathe it in a bit.

wedded

2005-08-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

wedded
Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

Another

2005-08-04T18:31:00.000-07:00

favorite
Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

April & I have another wedding to shoot tomorrow. It feels good to know I'll be spending the day doing something infintely more important than I do on 99% of my other work days.

Hopefully I'll have some pretty pictures to share with all of you here next week.

what i love

2005-08-01T10:03:00.000-07:00

what you love
Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

made chicken tikka masala the other night and my hands smelled of garlic for a couple days afterward, reminding me of how my dad's cooking made the kitchen smell while i was growing up. like home, like comfort.

finally made it to page one hundred of the book. haven't printed it all out yet, but am eager to. want to feel the full weight of it in my hands.

filling up photo albums from last summer. pictures that didn't get touched when i was sad, struggling with the break up. now they are going into books in the order in which i grab them. attempting to be less particular and precious in my arranging of things, and just enjoying each for what it is and where it falls.

In Cotton

2005-07-25T13:19:00.000-07:00

Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

I'm craving a trip to the fabric district downtown. Wanting to be surrounded by the colors and the sounds and the questionable smells. By the shop owners who don't speak English and are at once nonchalant and proud of what they've got to sell. I want to run my hands across the silks and the fake silks, the cottons, the blends, the tulle, even the polyesters, and be surprised by what catches my eye.

And Then

2005-07-21T09:49:00.000-07:00

rest
Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

Several months ago, I happily canceled my memberships to a couple of book clubs that I'd signed up with years before. You know the ones -- the constant junk mail generators, the never ending "featured selections" to accept (yeah, right) or decline (always). When I finally wrote CANCEL in huge letters across my reply forms to these clubs, I felt a wave of relief rush over me. Gone was the constant pressure to buy books at barely discounted prices, usually by authors who write at what I consider to be a fifth grade reading level! Gone was the filling recycling bin after recycling bin with their "generous offers"! Gone was the fear of forgetting to decline my "selection" and therefore coming home from work to an ominous book-shaped box several weeks later!

Yesterday, I signed up again. With both of them. Hey, there are a lot of good books out right now! I HAD to.

Good Reason

2005-07-18T12:41:00.000-07:00

Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

My arms hurt from lugging around a huge lens yesterday at an engagment portrait session. It's always somewhat satisfying to have sore muscles from something other than carrying my groceries, which is what usually does it.

Drove an hour each way for the shoot, managing to keep my newly formed freeway anxiety in check the whole time. I feel proud of myself for that, but still a little sheepish that the anxiety is a factor to begin with. I almost sent April to the shoot on her own.

Will take the small victories when I find them.

for the weekend

2005-07-15T14:06:00.000-07:00

nearly
Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

i'm going to ignore the fact that i have gained five pounds which feel like twenty and i can't seem to shed a single one

the giving up of pasta and potatoes can wait until Monday

i'm going to pretend that there is no little voice in my ear telling me that i'm better off admiring the work of others than creating anything myself

i'm going to make believe that the sky isn't hazy with smog here, that the air is as ripe and fresh with summer in los angeles as it was up north

and allow myself to breathe it

for the weekend anyway

Two

2005-07-13T09:47:00.000-07:00

safari tent at el capitan canyon
Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

So anyway, camping was great. It was technically "luxury camping." There was little to no roughing it. Since (regular, real) camping is one of my absolute most beloved things to do, I was very curious about how I would feel about Camping Lite. It turned out to be pretty much exactly what we needed. Relaxing and rejuvinating without being too taxing as far as having to pack and set up a bunch of stuff.

We did some wine tasting, we rode bikes along the coast, we made killer s'mores. We also got pooped on by two adorable owls. Owls pooping from high up in a tree can do a lot of damage. They covered both of us and our entire table of carefully prepared food. We'd just sliced a bunch of delicious cheese to go with our bottle of wine (which we bought at a grocery store, not at a winery, I am only somewhat embarrassed to say), and the whole lot of it was destroyed by the downpour from the tree. We were, at first, quite horrified. But then we laughed, and are still laughing.

not about owls or cheese, yet.

2005-07-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

winery bathroom
Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

every once in a while, usually deep into a chapter as i am now, i have a fleeting moment of thinking "my God, i could very possibly be writing the worst novel ever composed."

thankfully, i've been lucky enough to have read literally hundreds of painfully bad scripts at work, and since i imagine the literary world is not much different, i'm fairly certain that my book will probably be only the 338th worst ever.

when we were camping, i sheepishly sang g. a song i was making up about he and i. it was terrible. terrible. and yet i impressed him, somehow, because he loves me.

Now

2005-07-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

"Happiness... not in another place but this place, not for another hour but this hour." -- Walt Whitman

Varying States

2005-07-11T13:59:00.000-07:00

varying states
Originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

All last week, I didn't feel well. Getting up (early, so early) every day to go to work felt as though it might actually kill me. I started to worry, which is rare lately, given that I've all but abandoned my former love of hypochondria.

But then this weekend I got out of town. G. & I went camping (more on that next time) and it was glorious. I felt healthy and strong (even though I was pretty wimpy while riding bikes, something I haven't done in close to a decade)and alive. The air was cleaner, the food tasted yummier (Though not the wine. I believe, after visiting Santa Ynez wine country this weekend, the SIDEWAYS folks chose the wrong part of California. The wine further north that we had last summer was much better.), my mind felt engaged and full.

Today, back at work, I am sore, allergy ridden and tired. I got a massage yesterday (My first real one ever.) so I feel better than I did last week, but I'm still somewhat stunned at how profoundly my current work life affects my physical well being. I find it fascinating and sad. I'm grateful that I have a very satisfying life outside of the office. I feel deeply for people who have nothing to go home to when they are done with their work day. I can't imagine how one would make it through.

Tommorow's entry: A tale of two owls and some ill fated cheese.

Girl Cat

2005-07-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

girl cat, originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

I think max knows more about the world than she lets on.

Swing

2005-07-06T10:40:00.000-07:00

sway, originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

For our anniversary, G. gave me a gift certificate for the two of us to take dance lessons together. This is something I've been wanting to do since we first started dating, so I'm very excited about it. I'm also a little nervous because while I'm the one with years of dance training, G. is the one with a natural sense of movement. All of mine is hard earned, and frankly not that convincing. These classes should result in some interesting stories.

This weekend we saw the documentary MAD HOT BALLROOM about children in Manhattan schools who are part of a mandatory ballroom dancing program. The movie follows three of the schools as they prepare for a city-wide competition. I highly recommend this film. It's by far my favorite movie this summer, and I think that would be the case even if the other movies I've seen in recent months hadn't been totally blah. Go see it.

The Daily Battle

2005-07-05T13:09:00.000-07:00

Freshly Squeezed, originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

I let my brain rest this weekend. With the exception of a few moments, I didn't think about character arcs, about photos that needed photoshopping, about the change of address cards I'm making for my friend, or about the bizarre and frustrating turn of events that has lead cat hair to be a disturbingly more prominent tenant in my apartment than I am. Instead, my weekend was about reading great magazine and newspaper articles, day dreaming about my grand schemes for the future, and eating good food with G.

This was all very dandy and charming until last night when I was forced to remember that I have a lot to do right now. Itchy, unclear things that will require much brainstorming and learning in order to figure out. In almost all ways, I am absolutely thrilled to be doing this stuff. My mind desperately needs and wants to learn new things. But there's another itty bitty part that is scared that I'll be rather bad at it all.

Anew

2005-07-01T08:49:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

This Wednesday, two of my friends got long-awaited jobs in Chicago. I'm so excited for them that I almost feel as if it is me who will be embarking on the big adventure of moving to a new city and starting a new phase of my career. I'm trying to embrace this borrowed sense of anticipation and renewal, and channel it into my own life. I have a lot on my plate right now, and nearly all of it is stuff that I will have to do on my own, with deadlines I've set and motivation that I've conjured up myself. I'm not very good at this, really, although I've been much worse in the past. I do better when I have someone who is expecting something from me, waiting for me to complete it. I've still yet to fully grasp that it's just as satisfying and important to do things for myself, that in fact, it's crucial for me to feel that way. So much of writing and art must be realized and propelled only by the person creating it. After a certain point, there's very little that outside forces can do for an artist who isn't willing to show up for herself every day.

I am learning, slowly but surely, to be a girl who shows up.

Baby Needs New Shoes

2005-06-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

Congratulations, Morgan!

Blurred & Bewitched

2005-06-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

los angeles blur, originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

I sometimes worry that I am steering my characters in the wrong direction, or not telling the things about them that I need to tell. I worry that I won't realize how far off track I am until it's too late. In my mind, my characters are fully formed people. I know what they look like, how they react to things and the choices they are inclined to make. It's actually BECAUSE I feel I know them so well that I fear I will underexplain them, keeping them too close to me. Trying to create something as big as a novel still overwhelms me, even though I am about a third of the way into it.

In other news, I wish I were Samantha, and could wiggle my nose while here at work, and arrive home later to find my laundry completely done -- folded and put away and everything.

Flailing About

2005-06-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

Some days (most days) I feel as though there is too much I want to do, and it overwhelms me to the point where I end up doing very little at all.

I'm such a bully to myself in that way.

2005-06-25T15:29:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

Happy anniversary, Babar!

Each Year

2005-06-24T09:11:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

Last year, in late spring, Gym and I started noticing these beautiful purple flowers on some of the trees in the city. At first there were just a few of them, but as the weeks went by, the flowers became more plentiful until it seemed like every street was glowing with violet. Neither of us had ever noticed these trees before, despite having lived in Los Angeles for years, and we decided oh-so-sappily that they must have bloomed just for us. On more than one occassion, we half-joked that we could get married underneath one and not need anything else by way of flowers or decoration. Just standing by these trees was magic enough. When the flowers on the Jacarandas eventually faded, and the trees looked normal again, I worried that they might not bloom again, and that we'd missed our chance.

Early this year, when winter had passed and the trees in LA were just starting to think about becoming green again, I was suddenly struck with a fleeting thought of the Jacarandas. Gym and I were broken up then, and in my saddness over that I couldn't imagine that I'd be able to handle seeing those purple flowers, should they decide to reappear.

Cut to a day at the beginning of May when I was driving home from work and a flash of lilac colored tree caught my eye. My heart bounced with happiness. Life had taken unexpected turns in the preceding months, and Gym and I were back together. He was doing reshoots on a movie in London at the time, I couldn't wait to call and tell him to get home because the Jacarandas were in bloom again. Over the next several weeks, we watched the trees get full and fat together.

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of our first official date. We are going to celebrate it despite the five months we spent apart because blessings, the ones you can count on and the ones that surprise you, ought to all be cherished.

Marking Time

2005-06-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

sunset in los angeles, originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

Yesterday marked one full year that I've been keeping this journal. In going back to read my first few entries, I'm struck by how, on the surface, it appears that very little has changed since then. In truth, almost nothing remains exactly as it was.

Last year at this time, I was struggling with job dissatisfacion, just as I am this year. But now I'm at a completely different job, in an entirely different industry, and my mind set is also quite changed. I no longer put so much pressure on my day job to be a social outlet, a confidence booster, or a form of entertainment. I simply slug it out every day and bide my time while I pursue other endeavors. This doesn't mean that I don't still groan every morning when I get out of bed and prepare to spend my day under the buzzing florescents because I do. It just doesn't cause me nearly the internal anguish it did then. I do wish I could see the light at the end of the Assistant Tunnel, but I no longer feel that if I don't see it by tomorrow, I'll risk plunging into a state of psychosis.

I was spending these same days last year preparing for my first anniversary of dating G. My very first entry ever was about the gift I was making him. I'm working on a new gift for him this year, one I'm just as excited about, one that we're working on together. I never imagined last June that there would be so much heartache and turmoil in our relationship between that anniversary and this one. But the result is that we are stonger and happier, as individuals and as a couple, than we were then, when our relationship already had incredible stains on it that I just hadn't acknowleged.

Last June, Sweet Monday was still not much more than a domain name that April and I owned, and a dream we talked about constantly in order to help get us through our work days. It's still just a seedling of a company, a baby, but it's growing. We're actually getting paid to do what we love, to photograph and create. While our goal of being able to do this full time is a long way off, it's much closer than it was when we were doing little more than hoping for it.

I also wasn't writing much back then. Aside from this blog, I suppose I probably wasn't writing at all, unless you count my daily marathon email sessions with MS. I did a lot of READING about writing, I did a lot TALKING about writing, but I was loathe to actually put down words. Now I am 85 pages into my novel. I don't know if it will sell, or if the only people who ever read it will be my dad and G., but I can't even say how good it feels simply to be doing it.

I read a great quote recently, and stumbled across it again the other day on the blog of Andrea Scher, a girl who I've really come to admire as a wonderful artist and all around great person. The quote is by Van Gogh, and it says: "If you hear a voice within you saying, 'You are not a painter', then by all means paint...and that voice will be silenced."

In the past year, I have learned to silence, or at least quiet, some of the voices I've carried with me for a long time. I'd like to think this journal has helped me, and I'm grateful for that.

And Ducklings

2005-06-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

It's the first day of summer and I am craving Traverse City.

Missing the cherry trees, the roadside fruit stands, the antique stores and the quiet water lapping at the shores of Bass Lake.

Monday Brain

2005-06-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

at a stop light, originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

Only got to page 82 last week. I'm supposed to be much closer to 100, but have only been averaging three pages a week instead of five. I'm strangely okay with this. (Although don't get me wrong. I will throw a party for myself when I reach the triple digits.)

Why I'm alright with not having written as much as I ought:

I spent time this weekend with a friend I hadn't seen in two years.

I played with Photoshop and learned how to do a couple of new things, which makes me feel confident that I can learn to do a couple more.

I saw Wicked at the Pantages theatre on Saturday, after watching April try to eat surpise rabbit stew at Cafe Des Artistes.

I boxed with G. (Well, you know, I hit his focus mits, and he pretended I'm strong.) Am reveling in the sore arms that resulted.

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

2005-06-19T21:08:00.000-07:00

happy father's day, originally uploaded by sweetmondaygirl.

I'm so lucky, at age 26, to have a dad who I still learn from every day.

june gloom

2005-06-16T13:23:00.000-07:00

wrestling with the blues a bit this week. not sure why, and am having trouble remembering that there doesn't need to BE a why. sometimes it just happens, and there's nothing to be done, really, but wait for it to pass.